


i'll change for you

by thelolbells



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sadness, nothing happy n o p e
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 06:40:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 702
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8002255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelolbells/pseuds/thelolbells
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>PJ reflects on times passed and we all cry a bit</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll change for you

_Chris,_ PJ reflects.

He’s forgetful.

_‘Chris, did you pack everything?’_

_‘Yep.’_

_‘Phone?’_

_‘…shit.’_

_‘MY phone?’_

_‘Maybe not everything.’_

Lazy _._

_‘Want to go film outside today?’_

_‘I’m busy.’_

_‘You’re on your phone!’_

_‘On my phone, being busy.’_

_‘You’ve not moved in an hour.’_

_‘Actually I went to get a drink five minutes ago.’_

And unromantic.

_‘Do you know what today is, Chris?’_

_‘The 15 th?’_

_‘Well, yes, but what else is it?’_

_‘September?’_

_‘Chris…’_

_‘What?’_

_‘…Our three-year anniversary.’_

Usually, PJ would tell people that that’s _just Chris_ , it’s all just part of his slightly strange package. He finds himself making so many excuses on his behalf.

It gets tiring.

PJ finds himself craving things from Chris that he just doesn’t give – he wants someone who is organised like him; someone who is quick-paced and ready to do anything. And Chris really isn’t any of that. PJ knows he likes comfort and lazy afternoons which turn into lazy days which turn into lazy weeks.

They fight over it, sometimes.

 It goes the same way each time. PJ will say something he regrets which includes the words _lazy_ or _pathetic_.

Chris will crawl into his shell for a while, not speaking or moving. Or Chris will put on a forced smile and make jokes about it, each joke a painful jab at himself, almost as if that’s what he thinks PJ wants.

It isn’t. PJ finds it painful to watch his fragile ego threaten to _snap_.

Then PJ will apologise for the millionth time and he will accept, but Chris doesn’t change.

It isn’t like Chris is a bad person, either.

PJ knows Chris has a deep care for him. That Chris likes to tell people that _yes, I’ve done good for myself with him_. He sees the look of satisfaction and barely concealed joy Chris directs at him when he thinks he isn’t looking. PJ knows that he isn’t forgetful and uncaring to spite him or to show hatred.

It just isn’t his thing.

Which would be okay, if it wasn’t PJ’s either.

Which is why PJ feels an all-encompassing, heavy, hot guilt on the day PJ tells Chris he just can’t be with him anymore.

He feels like the worst person in the country as he sees Chris look at him in shock.

He feels like the worst person in the _universe_ as he sees Chris just _break_ in front of him.

Chris tried to get him to change his mind, by questioning him and saying sorry and that he’s trying to change. PJ had to nod along, but he’s heard promises of change too much now.

_‘I’m trying; I’ll try harder – don’t go.’_

_‘You’ve said that for years, Chris – I really can’t do it anymore.’_

_‘I’ll go to the gym again, I’ll film again, I’ll be funny again –‘_

_‘Sorry, it’s not going to work anymore. I’m so sorry.’_

It took a week for PJ to find a new flat. In the meanwhile, Chris slept on the sofa.

PJ offered, but Chris did it anyway.

The sound of the door of the flat he had spent years in closing behind him for the last time, with knowledge that Chris sat in there alone, was going to haunt him forever.         

~

_PJ_ , he reflects.

An ugly part of Chris’s brain had known that PJ wouldn’t have been able to take him for much longer.

He just didn’t expect it when it had happened.

The click of the door closing in front of him as PJ leaves was loud.

Painfully, obtrusively, horribly _loud_.

Chris feels at a loss of what to do. Usually, PJ would leave him a list of things to do if he’s gone, so Chris won’t be entirely unproductive. The list would suggest small things, like to clean a window or exercise.

Sure, Chris would maybe, _maybe_ do one. But Chris felt a feeling of satisfaction of doing that one thing. Chris knows he has nobody to write him those lists anymore. Nobody to smile and feel the joy with if he does something productive for the day.

Chris realises he feels nothing. No anger, no sadness, no feel of wanting revenge. He feels nothing.

_After all_ , he thinks.

_It’s my fault anyway_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! :D


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